Status: Nerd!

I saw the Incredibles at the cinema over the thanksgiving weekend. before discussing the finer points of the feature, a brief aside about how totally out of hand the mall is on Black Friday. If I was to rate it on a scale of 1 to "out of fucking control" the mall would have been scored a staggeringly high 57. I was in South Florida (Palm Beach) and everyone, from the richest socialite to the most grizzled swamp dwelling hillbillywas in the mall at the same time. People weren't just idling about either, they were really up in that bitch, hustling around, juking and weaving through everyone. The air was redolant with commerce. It was also resplendant with jailbait and tight middle-age ass, but that barely lessened the social anxiety i was experiencing. Still, that was nice.

Incredibles: Fun, like a comic book marketed to kids but with more than enough stuff for the older set. In this case, older set means older than 16. Your boy likes comic books (sad, so sad) so I thought it was awesome. The Incredibles is the Cristal of Pixar films. I haven't seen the others in a minute, but they are probably the champale. So where's the review? Here it is: No matter how awesome a cartoon is, after it's over you have to deal with the fact that you just went and saw a cartoon with your family, are older than 22 years old (but younger than 26) and a majority of the audience was 7. Did I mention that I saw it with my family. so if you realize that whole thing and top it off with the fact that you aren't going to get laid that night or the next couple (read:ever) and still enjoy it, it must be fucking great. That said, the film was fucking great. Peep it.

What The Eff Is Really Going On Here?

I'm having trouble keeping a theme with this blog shit. I'm breaking it up into two joints. Unlicensed Professional will cover the sports i know and love (Jets, Mets, Knicks). This ish right here will cover the finer aspects of culture and society, heard? Will the posts be sporadic and filled with countless grammatical and spelling errors? Shit, isn't that why you came in the first place? Thought so.

Play on Playa

Serpico For Vice Prez, The Streets Demand It!

Frank Serpico. Respected in the streets, feared in the precinct, ya heard? But what about the hallowed halls of congress and the ship of fools that is the White House? Well, with four more years of bullshit, it's time to give my man Frank a call. That cop pension gots to be stretched pretty thin in these modern times and I doubt even Pacino's get any chedda from the movie anymore. And with four more years, unless Cheney renews his pact with Satan to keep his heart on the up and up, he's dead man walking. So Frank's name gets mentioned (time to live up to your reputation, liberal media) and then he's up in this bitch like "whoa!".

This is the pay-off, because Serpico can't tolerate hypocrisy, corruption or your run of the mill bullshit. So he'll be breaking some skull (& bones) before the federally mandated morning prayer. Maybe we can sneak Clinton in the back door for some good old fashioned circa 1996 grab assery too, but keep that on the low.

Plus, it'll be nice to get some fierce, bearded, red blooded italians back up in office. We've been out to long. Holla at a playa, Mario Cuomo!

white balls, red sox, any questions?

I'm not much of one for baseball most of the time (though I am one for typographical errors) but I watched the entire post season and it was very satisfying. There were a bunch of reasons, from filling my lonely and endless nights with something to look forward to besides chronic self flaggelation to watching the Yankees shit the bed in a most imperial fashion. The sox really put it on the ass of the cards and that's nice, since I don't have to hear legions of self-loathing misery addicts bemoan their choosen fate anymore. Now they won and they're just another team. The moral of the story here is that if you're a person whose a consumate loser, you suck; if you are a fan of a perennial loser franchise (sox, whalers, cubs, Hardee's) that means you have grit and dedication. So really there is no moral, I just wanted to sound deep and it failed miserably. does that mean I have grit and determination?

I apologize for the total dearth of workable humor in this post.

Ladies Love Cool Jews!

I know LL Cool J only raps for the ladies now and is more interested in oiling his abs than hot shit lyrics, but I still think he's great. What seems like 10 million years in the game and still getting up in rap's ass, how many can say that. Big Daddy Kane and Kool Moe Dee are collecting social security and guv cheese while LL goes top ten again, so that's longevity. Like I said, now all he's about is telling girls how much he loves them and breaking them off till they foam at the mowf, but it pays the bills and keeps him in the game. I still remember when he could keep it grimey and hot (ex: 4,3,2,1, his verse on that was hot and canibus is still a bitch).

The new snoop/neptunes track...the neptunes could syncopate a fart and have vanilla ice (or brian austin green) spit absolute lead over it and the shit would go gold, at least. It blows my fucking mind.

PS-Xzibit should stick to pimping rides, because his new single might as well have dropped in 1999 it sounds that fresh. And quit trying to look so hard, we all know you love white suburbia.

PPS-The latest beastie boys is the hot fire they made asbestos for and that can't stop it from burning down the block. The coolest jews on the planet, I'm sure they had the flyest bar mitz's ever.

New Jersey & You: Perfect Together

if you love chrome on your acura, venereal disease, punching people in the face and frosting your tips. Honestly, I love New Jersey because America has mistakenly thought it to be the breeding grounds for (rich) white trash. Strong Island is and always will be the breeding grounds for the white trash jet set (read: monied, privileged). Jersey is the breeding grounds for middle class WT, which is more about steriods, thug posturing and unprotected sex than their upscale kin to the east. Since Jersey is crowded and classy, it must be pointed out that the true proving grounds for NJWT is the Jersey Shore. If Ultimate Fighting were co-ed, the ring was explanded to 15 miles of coastal property and having sex was just as viable an option as choking someone till they blacked out, then no one would go to the Jersey Shore because they would all be there. but it isn't, so the beach air is redolent with drakkar and the only sea breaze they will remember was the last one they drank.

The only reason I bring this up is because MTV is having True Life: I'm a Jersey Shore Girl on tonight and I am far too excited. On a personal note, I have a whole grip of family in New jersey and none of them grew up into the overly obnoxious, aggressive and socially unnacceptable type of person I am bound to see on the television tonight. I wish so bad they had.

MC Complainsalot On Tha' Mic...

I picked up the new Roots album, "The Tipping Point", a little while back. I've been giving it some run and it's high quality, just like everything else they put out. There's one track in particular "Boom" where Black Thought (herein referred to as 'BT') just kills it, raps like an avalanche. I'm listening to this, hearing him spit 30 plus bars of hot fire before a chorus and wondering why doesn't BT get more shine for his rapping? Philly has a pretty prominant roster of MC's and if things were based on talent, BT would be on top. Honestly, who else is there? Freeway has his moments once you get used to his style, flow and the fact that his lyrics don't rhyme. Beanie Siegal? Nope. When I heard "The Truth" I couldn't stop thinking how his horrible lyrics compromised a hot track. If you rhyme the same word 5 or so times, is that the hot shit? Philly's Most Wanted? The Neptunes turned them into the Clipse, I'm sure of it. Cassidy? Skills, lyrically, for sure, but his pop star/Teen Beat mugging fucks up his credibility. So who else is there? Will Smith & Jazzy Jeff? "Summertime"'s a classic and I liked Jeff's recent solo. Doesn't matter, not when you boast about keeping your lyrics clean and introduced "getting jiggy wit it" into the middle-age suburban lexicon.

Honestly, I don't know the Philly scene that much. I just love to talk shit and think that BT doesn't get enough shine as an MC.

Expect a lot of posts like this. And by 'this' I mean wildly uninformed.